This weekend had to qualify as one of the most random ever. Yet, at the same time, one of the best, as well. I loved it. Gahh.. things can be so crazy sometimes.

Wow. My computer is messed up. I wish people wouldn't use my computer to look at porn. I'm soo setting up parental blocks. Ha.

Anyhoo, I've never been more mad than I was yesterday. I hate Andrew. I really do. I mean.. I should.

I'm at Manda's now.

If someone you like likes someone else and you kinda really know they don't like you, you should give up. Just my advice to readers today.

I'm mad at myself, too. Later days, ya'll.

Music: Ryan Cabrera - True

Today was alright. I felt my heart stop beating a lot. I'm just not so sure if that's a good thing or not.

Me and Julie went to Wal*Mart. That was fun. We looked at make-up, undies, and shampoo. I pushed her around in a buggy all night. Fun times.

{ Still calling out your name, wondering who it is that I should blame. }

"We should try to be friends," he says. "It's too hard for me," I tell him. "We need to stop doing this, Jill," he replies. "You don't want to be my friend," I tell him. He insists that he does. And I still don't know what we shouldn't be doing. He says we shouldn't be so abusive towards each other. We should stop pissing each other off, intentionally. It's too hard to be his friend. He says he wants to be friends. However, when I try to be his friend, he accuses me of wanting more. Of course I want more. I always have. I always will. If I have to settle with friends, then I will. It's hard. I told him we need to get relationship counseling.

{ Sometimes, I just can't explain all the ways you devestate me. }

I hate him for doing this to me. I mean.. I want to hate him. I don't. I can't. Everytime I'm sure that I can do it.. whenevr I'm sure that I can forget him, he wants to give me a reason to stay. He does a damn good job of it, too. I wish he weren't so convincing. He could get me to do anything. And he knows that. Someone told me that perhaps he was afraid of liking me again. Great. Surely, that's it. I'm just too wonderful. I'm so goddamn wonderful that he doesn't want to be with me. Fuck off. It doesn't work that way. I just wish he'd let me let go. Why won't he? I think it's just the fact that if I stop liking him, he'll have no one to fall back on.. maybe. He does this everytime he finds a new girl. Must be that.. he starts fucking someone else and he wants me.. just as a friend, though. Great. I'm such a good friend.

{ And it comes down to me and you. And whether we're supposed to or not, we still will. }

God, that's too much talking about him. Heh.

I was watching '13 Going On 30' last night and in one part, one of the little girls says, "At least you have someone to dream about." Is that all I'm looking for? I always chase after guys, usually with no intention of ever getting serious. I really do want love. To know me, you might not think that. I'm down on love. Ha. But, I have every reason to be. It hurts.. and it scares me. I like to dream, though. Perhaps that's all I really want.. someone to dream about?

I'm such a blog whore. I guess I'm just the type of person that likes people to know what I'm thinking. It's true.. I hardly ever keep my mouth shut about anything. Yes, I can keep secrets when they need to be kept. So many people tell lies, or don't say anything at all. Why hide behind that? What better place than to tell the world what you think that the internet? Haha.

I'm tired of people breaking my headphones. And my speakers. They complain when I have the music up to loud, yet they break my headphones. And when I get a good pair and put them in my room, they somehow find their own way out here to be torn up and tangled with the rest of the broken pairs. So here I am, headphoneless, with only one speaker working. I hate it, too. Because my brothers are obviously very deaf and they have to have the TV up way too loud. I'd rather listen to this.

This sucks. I've thought too much. I've thought so much that I'm to the point where I don't know what to think. Do you ever think something and then feel completely stupid for even thinking it? I do. It sucks, too. Even though I know that it's just my thought and I don't have to share it with anyone, I still feel stupid for thinking it. I make myself believe too much. I get caught in between what I believe and what I know I should believe. I make myself so mad.

I'm cool. I'm really cool. My level of coolness can't be handled {or matched by many}. Just thought I'd let you know that.

Today was good. Andrew wasn't at school. Funny how the only days that are 'good' only occur on the days I don't see him. Coincidence? I think not.

Catastrophe. I love that word. It's right up there with 'forever' in Jill's List of Favorite Words. And yes, there is such a list. I'm in an odd mood.

Music: Jason Mraz - The Remedy

Someone told me something about someone. So I asked them if it was true. No harm in that, right? If someone were saying shit about me, I think I would much rather have someone come ask me if it were true or not.. before they believed someone else's possible lies. I guess in all that, I should have really considered the source. Yet, I still somehow feel that everyone knows something that I don't. Goddamnit. It's just the looks they give. Honestly, I'd rather him being gay be the excuse for not liking me.. instead of him just not liking me. Yeah.. that's just me. I hate rejection. I've gotten so used to it though.. or, I should have. I really don't want to care anymore but, Goddamnit, I can't help it. I'm just me, you know? Someone tells me a 'rumor', I ask the person. Fuck. I just wanted to know. And now I do.. or do I? Shit. I shouldn't doubt what he tells me. Or should I? FUCK.

What's so wrong with me? I wish I could see through my own lies. Maybe then I'd be okay..

Kevin, a guy at work, had a really bad wreck today. I don't know why it upset me so bad. I didn't really talk to him much. I guess now I'm just thinking that if something bad does happen [ pray it won't ], then I didn't really even take a chance with getting to know him. I'm weird like that. I always think of the weirdest things. Anyhoo, I really hope he's okay. And comes back to work soon.

Why am I always apoligizing to people for the way I am? 'I'm sorry I love you', 'I'm sorry I do the things I do', 'I'm sorry for being me'. I shouldn't have to. Will anyone ever love me for everything I am?

I've thought too much tonight. And I've still got homework. Oi.

Music: Avril - Fall To Pieces